The trauma experienced by children left behind by a parent, particularly when that parent abandons their family and forms a new life, can have profound and lasting effects on their emotional and psychological well-being. Here’s a deeper look at the different facets of this trauma, especially in the context of the scenario you’ve described:

1. Feelings of Abandonment and Rejection

For children left behind by a parent, the primary emotion often felt is abandonment. Children may internalize the idea that they were not important enough for the parent to stay. This can lead to:

• Low self-worth: The child may grow up feeling unlovable or unworthy of affection.
• Insecurity in relationships: They may struggle to trust others and form secure bonds, as seen with the daughter who finds it hard to reconnect with the father despite her desire to do so.

2. Anger and Resentment

For older children, especially sons in this situation, the anger and resentment they feel can be intense and longstanding. This is likely to be exacerbated by:

• Absence of emotional support: Without a father figure, the children may not have had the guidance or emotional connection they needed, leading to frustration and bitterness.
• Unmet expectations: The anger is often tied to the parent’s failure to fulfill their role as a protector and nurturer, particularly when the parent’s absence leads to feelings of abandonment.
• The son who cannot get past his anger may have built up walls to protect himself from further hurt. His inability to reconnect may stem from a combination of unresolved grief, betrayal, and a lack of closure.

3. Complicated Grief and Loss

The death of the mother at a young age due to cancer, in this context, compounds the trauma:

• Double loss: Losing the mother too early intensifies the grief already tied to the father’s abandonment. The children might feel as though they were deprived of the emotional support they needed from both parents, leading to feelings of isolation.
• Unresolved grief: If the children’s relationship with the father was fractured, the death of the mother could mean they never had the opportunity to resolve their issues with their father, leaving them with unfinished emotional business.

4. Impact of New Family Dynamics

The father’s new wife and children, who have a good relationship, introduce additional complexity. The children left behind might feel:

• Betrayed: Seeing the father establish a new family may evoke feelings of being replaced, rejected, or forgotten.
• Jealousy: The positive relationships in the new family could highlight the sense of loss, particularly if the new family dynamic is perceived as a contrast to their own experience of abandonment.
• Confusion and disconnection: The children left behind may feel disconnected from their father’s new family, unsure of their place in his life or the legacy of their relationship with him.

5. Difficulty in Reconnecting

Reconnecting with the father after years of separation is difficult for many reasons:

• Emotional barriers: For the daughter, while she might long for a connection, the emotional scars of abandonment may create barriers that prevent her from fully bonding with her father.
• Fear of rejection or further hurt: The fear that the father might not be emotionally available or that the relationship could be shallow might prevent her from fully investing emotionally.
• Unhealed wounds: The wounds of abandonment might not have healed, so the child might struggle to engage in a relationship where old pain resurfaces.

6. Late Life Realizations and Unfinished Business

When the father dies at 92, after living a long life without truly repairing his relationship with his older children, there may be a sense of unfinished business:

• Regret and guilt: The father may feel regret or guilt on his deathbed, though it may be too late for meaningful reconciliation.
• Residual anger: For the children, particularly the older son, the unresolved anger could still be potent, especially since the death of the father might not feel like the opportunity for closure they might have hoped for.
• Long-term emotional effects: These children may continue to grapple with the emotional impact of abandonment, especially if their attempts to reconcile were never fully realized.

7. Psychological and Emotional Effects Over Time

The long-term effects of this trauma can manifest in many ways:

• Attachment difficulties: Both children may struggle to form secure attachments in their own relationships due to the early abandonment and instability in their formative years.
• Chronic sadness, depression, or anxiety: These children may carry a sense of sadness or anxiety throughout life, influenced by their early trauma.
• Difficulty with forgiveness: Forgiveness, whether of the parent who left or of themselves for feeling abandoned, can be difficult for children in such situations. They may spend years wrestling with these emotions.

Healing and Resolution

While the trauma is profound, healing is possible with time and support:

• Therapy and counseling: Professional help can assist the children in addressing their feelings of abandonment, anger, and loss. Therapy can help them develop healthier ways to process their grief and find closure.
• Creating new definitions of family: As time passes, the children may learn to redefine what family means to them, perhaps forming new, supportive relationships that offer healing and emotional connection.
• Self-compassion and forgiveness: Both children, through their own processes, might eventually learn to forgive their father, not for his sake, but to free themselves from the emotional weight of bitterness and anger.

Ultimately, the trauma of being abandoned by a parent is deep and multifaceted, with emotional, relational, and identity-related consequences that echo through the children’s lives. Each child may respond differently depending on their personality, age at the time of abandonment, and support systems available to them, but all of them face a journey toward healing that may involve confronting painful memories and emotions.